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[TurnMeOnDeadman]

Jazz is not dead...it just smells funny.

Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

There is no hell. There is only France.

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesnt work if it's not open.

If we can't be free at least we can be cheap.

Sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better.

You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

There will never be a nuclear war; there's too much real estate involved.

Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.

Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?

Outdoors for me is walking from the car to the ticket desk at the airport

You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!

You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.

Interviewer: "So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
FZ: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

Without deviation from the norm, 'progress' is not possible.

It's better to have something to remember than nothing to reget...

Who are the brain police?

The people of your century no longer require the service of composers.
A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd in the middle of his runway.

There are more love songs than anything else.
If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.

I'm not black, but there's a whole lot of times I wish I could say I'm not white.

Most people wouldn't know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

-
   Frank Zappa

[TurnMeOnDeadman]

We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
-- Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Lewis Grizzard

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
-- Author Unknown

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
-- Henry Kissenger (former U.S. Secretary of State)

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
-- Robin Williams

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b****."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-- Tim Allen

"My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets."
-- Freddie Prinze

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base."
-- Dave Barry

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee...
the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
-- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating,
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
-- Joe E. Lewis

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
-- Samuel Goldwyn

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever
stole it is spending less than my wife."
-- Ilie Nastase

"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?"
-- Marilyn Pittman

"I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays."
-- Henny Youngman

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Henny Youngman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-- Paula Poundstone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
-- Dino Levi

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-- Axel Rose (Guns 'n Roses)

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes?
I don't think there's really any oxygen.
I think they're just to muffle the screams.
-- Rita Rudner

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-- Richard Jeni

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because
she couldn't remember the lines."
-- Joan Rivers

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
-- Carrot Top

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic
in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get,
I'll never be as good as a wall."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-- A. Whitney Brown

"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
-- Robin Williams

"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.
He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us
to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!"
-- Golda Meir

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
-- Jackie Mason

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
-- Richard Lewis

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one
and got hit by a bus."
-- Bob Rubin

On the terrorists: "My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven,
they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school:
Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution."
-- Robin Williams

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
-- Mark Twain

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
-- Dave Barry

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like."
-- Jean Cocteau

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Jay Leno

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it."
-- Bill Cosby

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?"
-- Jay Leno

"It's great that we've got a compassionate conservative,
but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack."
-- Robin Williams

"Ever notice that George Bush doesn't speak when Dick Cheney is drinking water?
Do you realize we're only a heart attack away from Bush being president?"
-- Robin Williams

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance."
-- Tim Allen

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-- Elayne Boosler

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
-- Mark Russell

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Jay Leno

"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
-- Rita Rudner

"You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again."
-- Joan Rivers

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."
-- Wendy Leibman

"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every
day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in
the morning: We're government workers!"
-- Jay Leno

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
-- Gary Shandling

"I hate to fly . . . Every time I get off a plane, I view it as a failed suicide attempt"
-- Barry Sonnefeld

"How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?"
-- Charles de Gaulle

Describing Palm Beach
"A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs"
-- Rita Rudner

I'm interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that appears to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road toward freedom.
-- Jim Morrison

Dick Clark: Why is so much happening in San Francisco these days, have you figured that out?
Jim Morrison: Uh... the West is the best, I guess!
-- American Bandstand, 1967

I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes.
-- Jimi Hendrix

Music can save people, but it can't in the commercial way it's being used. It's just too much. It's pollution.
-- Bob Dylan

Reporter: What do you call that hairstyle you're wearing?
George: Arthur.
-- George Harrison

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
-- John Lennon

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
-- Elvis Presley

I'm not kidding myself. My voice alone is just an ordinary voice. What people come to see is how I use it. If I stand still while I'm singing, I'm dead, man. I might as well go back to driving a truck.
-- Elvis Presley, 1956

I had no money and couldn't afford a Fuzz Face, or a wah-wah or a rind modulator, or whatever Hendrix had in his whole rig. I just plugged straight into an amp and turned it up to 11, and boom! So in order to get a different or unique sound, I had to learn to squeeze it out of the strings with just my fingers.
-- Edward Van Halen, 1999

Lots of people think a song without singing is not a song. Tell that to Beethoven and he'll kick your ass.
-- Edward Van Halen, 1985

I believe that everyone is born with a gift...I thank God on my knees every night to be connected to He, She, or whatever it is. I think that whatever God is, it's within everyone, in every molecule. There is no hell. Hell is what you make your life. We're on this planet to learn. If you don't, you can come back and try again 'til you get it right. And then you move on.
-- Edward Van Halen, 1999

I Just can't get along with people; they don

Lots of people who complained about us receiving the MBE received theirs for heroism in the war -- for killing people. We received ours for entertaining other people. I'd say we deserve ours more.
-- John Lennon

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
-- Frank Zappa

Music is spiritual. The music business is not.
-- Van Morrison

[TurnMeOnDeadman]

Eddie van halen has good qoutes

Eddie van halen has good qoutes

yeah i know

[Lennon]

you guys have pretty good quotes.


here's a couple:

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

LOVE: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that's relativity." -- Albert Einstein

"It must be hard to cook when you anthropomorphize your vegetables."
-Calvin

"Imagine all the people living life in peace" John Lennon

How many times do you have to lie to become a liar?

"Any god who creates a sentient being out of dirt, knowing the being will be damned to hell, should have left the dirt alone in the first place."

"inside every comedian is a sad man refusing to weep"

"somebody does something stupid, that's human. they don't stop when they see it's wrong, that's a fool"-elvis presley (king of rock)

" You either make dust or eat dust" Yahurbi Ossolmo

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
Bruce Lee.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.



"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."
Jeff Raskin.



"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."
Robin Williams.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.

[Lennon]

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary.

[Lennon]

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman.

[Mushmouth]

Harry Lime: Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. So long Holly.

<3 Orson Welles

[Lennon]

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
Mark Twain.

[Lennon]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin.

[Lennon]

"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
Homer Simpson.

[Herecomesyoursun]

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)



thats a great one

Rock 'n' roll is a bit like Las Vegas; guys get dressed up in their sisters' clothes pretending to be angry, but not really angry about anything.
-- Sting

If you're not in it, you're out of it.
-- Joey Ramone

If you can dream it, you can do it.
-- Walt Disney

[TurnMeOnDeadman]

Music is my religion- Jimi Hendrix

I am not out to prove jacksh*t...I just do what comes naturally, and it scares people..
-- Edward Van Halen


You've only got 12 notes, and how you mix them up is your thing.
-- Edward Van Halen

[TurnMeOnDeadman]

"Cocaine is the most boring drug"
                                              - Mick Jagger

[TurnMeOnDeadman]

Im a dumb*ss, i know im dumb for this...but who said this in The Last Waltz, I know who he is and all, but dont remembe his name at the moment, refresh my memory

"the road is a damn impossible way to live"....or maybe it was diffrent, I gotta watch it again to see what he said, its somethin like that

[Sondra]

I think it was Robbie Robertson. He was the one who kept complaining about life on the road the whole movie.