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Author Topic: the im not a stereotype of my nation thread.  (Read 6688 times)

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dabbik

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Re: the im not a stereotype of my nation thread.
« Reply #60 on: December 17, 2008, 06:23:38 AM »

My name is David and I'm from Iceland. I don't live in snowhouse, I have a very good internet connection and I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes.
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HeatherBoo

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Re: the im not a stereotype of my nation thread.
« Reply #61 on: December 18, 2008, 01:23:35 AM »

I hope no one lives in a snow house, I rather die.
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Re: the im not a stereotype of my nation thread.
« Reply #62 on: February 24, 2011, 11:56:17 PM »

;D Great jokes Sandra


Application to Live in New Jersey

NAME:__________________________
NICKNAME:______________________

ADDRESS: ______________________      EXIT # __________
         ______________________

ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian   _______Sicilian   ________Jewish

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a)Sewage           b)Sulfur        c)Garbage       d)All of the above

TOTAL NUMBER OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above

TOTAL NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above

TOTAL NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
a)Sergio Valente   b)Jordache      c)Sassoon       d)Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
a)100%             b)95-100%       c)90-95%        d)85-90%

TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
a)10 - 15          b)15 - 20       c)20 - 25       d)25 and above

TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
a)$ 5 - $10        b)$10 - $15     c)$15 - $20     d)Stolen

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?            YES          NO

HAIR HEIGHT
a)6 - 8 Inches     b)8 - 12 Inches  c)1 - 2 feet   d)More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mouse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
a)6 - 8 Inches     b)4 -6 Inches   c)2 - 4 Inches  d)Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springstein

ESSAY QUESTION

In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoose Guys"


[size=14]How to Drive in Jersey.[/size]


You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.

The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Sissy.' (Just ask the Governor of NJ)

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.

MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

SAFE DRIVING ! ! !


I was born here in the United States and lived in a small town in North Carolina (Edenton) until I was five.  The Andy Griffith Show town of Mayberry was based on a town like this.  Very little has changed there and it has remained a small, friendly town.  Some stereotypes are good.

Wow!  Just found this thread (again).


                                   NORTH CAROLINA IMMIGRATION SERVICES


     During the past few years, North Carolina has seen an incredible influx of immigrants from foreign lands, such as New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and California.  Because of our continued practice of southern hospitality, we have allowed all immigrants to enter our state without first ensuring that the immigrant was culturally, spiritually, intellectually, and financially compatible with the other residents of North Carolina.  As a result of substandard immigrants entering our state, the North Carolina immigration office has composed the following application/entrance exam.  A score of at least 70 percent is required before an immigrant is granted privileges to inhabit any section of North Carolina.  An official North Carolina Immigration officer will assist you in filling out the application since several parts of the application require either verbal or physical investigation to ensure adequate entrance level readiness for residency in North Carolina.


                              APPLICATION FOR NORTH CAROLINA RESIDENCY

 1.  ____________________________________________
      Last Name            First Name             Middle Name

 2.  ____________________________________________
      Title  ( Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms., Ole Lady, Ole Man, Bubba, Sis)

 3.  _____________________________________________
      Street Address (If possible, a permanent house or trailer residence
      preferred rather than automobile or bridge locale.)

 4.    ______-_________-_____________
       Social Security Number

 5.    _______________________
       Date of Birth (include month, day, and year if possible.  If unknown, please
       state when your mama was last knocked up)

 6.    ____________________
       Marital Status (Hitched, Divorced, Separated, Single, Shacking up)
       Note:  For those of you not culturally enriched, Hitched is sometimes
       referred to as married.

 7.    ___________
       Number of teeth  (do not include bridges or false teeth)

 8.   ____________
       Number of tattoos

                                                                        (For Immigration Officer's Use Only)
                                     
                                      Visualization of teeth and tattoos required.
                                      A positive 3:1 tattoo to teeth ratio is required
                                      for temporary residency.  A 4:1 ratio is required
                                      for permanent residency.



 9.  _____________________
     Education level  (Kindergarten through 8th grade)

10.  ____________________
      Primary Language (English or Pig Latin only acceptable languages)



                                  CULTURAL READINESS TESTING


 1.   Documented proof of properly drinking iced tea from mason jar at
      suppertime.
 
 2.   Direct visualization of ability to pee 6 feet for men or 5 feet for
       women.

 3.   Direct visualization of ability to spit tobacco juice a minimum of
       15 feet regardless of gender.

  4.  Direct observation of proper method used to hail transportation.
        (For men, thumb to side of shoulders with sign saying "Nashville
         or bust.  For women, thumb to side of hip with hem line of skirt
         level with navel.)

  5.   Either direct visualization or documented proof of proper attire.
       ( For men, camouflage or flannel shirts required.  For women, at
         least two pairs of Jacquelyn Smith's Collection pants required.)

   6.   Direct visualization of acceptable transportation. 
        ( Any of the following are acceptable:  Ford or Chevy 4x4 pickup
          trucks, Camaro, Trans-Am (preferably 1975-1984 model), Pinto
         (gray primer preferable but will accept other colors).  For those
          with 4 or more DWI's, moped transportation is acceptable.

   7.   Direct observation of ability to recite all the words to Johnny Pay
         check's song "Take This Job and Shove It" while installing a gun
         rack and sexy mama mud flaps on a pickup truck.  (Note: this skill
         must be performed after the applicant has had a minimum of 3
         beer and ate chili beans to ensure proper fart/belch/slur 
         etiquette.)
     
   8.    Confirmed documentation of support for Jesse Helms, NRA, and
          "Keep them Unions outta NC" organizations.

   
                           Language acquisition testing

                (To ensure the new immigrant's ability to properly communicate with native
                             North Carolinians, the applicant must demonstrate proper language     
                             acquisition skills.)

Direct auscultation of proper language skills required:

Must fluently use at least 10 of the listed 15  phrases or sentences.

 1.   If'n I get the chance to live here, I'll do my best to promote firearm
       safety by not shootin' anything that moves in the woods.

 2.   Ja'eat yet?  Y'all need to come-n-et rite now afore it gits cold.

 3.   I usedtacould drink four Budweisers, fart, and sing Hank Williams all
       at onced.  Now I jest can do the first two.

 4.   Proper use of sensuous.  Well, sens-u-wus up  will you git me
       another chaw of baccer and a beer?

 5.   Where'd ya git them boots?  I need some of them for mud wrestlin’.

 6.   Come sit by me a spell and let's talk about hunting, fishing, or
       something sophisticated like 'at.

 7.    Y'ant to  (used instead of " Do you want to?"

 8.    Well I reckon s'alright.  I didn't ask my ole lady if I could go to
         to the drag strip.

 9.    You better put them eats up.  Doncha know that mayonnaise,
        pineapple, and slaw sammiches spoil in the sun?

10.    I'm fixin' to go to Wal-Mart.  Can I buy ya sumpin’ nice? 

11.    Hook the trailer up to the sewage disposal Mildred while I buy us
         some more cracker and cheese packs for those rich yankees
         comin' over.

12.     Oh, I finished that chore awalago (used instead of "I finished that
         job a while ago.)

13.     Hey baby!  Why don't me and you go to that pig callin' contest,
         git a burger at the diner, and ride in my new truck. Hell, I know
         it's our first date but I like you!

14.    Officer, I swear  I didn't steal those hubcaps.  My ole lady needed
        'em for servin' platters, so I borrowed 'em for a spell.

15.    Git him George!! That damn raccoon's got our good china! If we
        lose those TV dinner plates, we ain't gonna git none for a month
        from our ole ladies!



____________________________________________________________

                       
                           Immigration office use only

________________
(Score)

__________ Acceptable for residency

___________Unacceptable for residency



_______________________
Signature of Applicant

________________________
Date


_________________________
Immigration Officer's Signature
Logged
I can stay till it's time to go
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