Great jokes Sandra
Application to Live in New Jersey
NAME:__________________________
NICKNAME:______________________
ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT # __________
______________________
ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish
BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above
TOTAL NUMBER OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
TOTAL NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
TOTAL NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci
PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90%
TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above
TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen
GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO
HAIR HEIGHT
a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet
HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mouse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue
AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)
NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches
CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice
FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders
FAVORITE MUSIC
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springstein
ESSAY QUESTION
In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoose Guys"
[size=14]How to Drive in Jersey.[/size]
You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.
The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Sissy.' (Just ask the Governor of NJ)
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.
MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
SAFE DRIVING ! ! !
I was born here in the United States and lived in a small town in North Carolina (Edenton) until I was five. The Andy Griffith Show town of Mayberry was based on a town like this. Very little has changed there and it has remained a small, friendly town. Some stereotypes are good.
Wow! Just found this thread (again).
NORTH CAROLINA IMMIGRATION SERVICES
During the past few years, North Carolina has seen an incredible influx of immigrants from foreign lands, such as New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and California. Because of our continued practice of southern hospitality, we have allowed all immigrants to enter our state without first ensuring that the immigrant was culturally, spiritually, intellectually, and financially compatible with the other residents of North Carolina. As a result of substandard immigrants entering our state, the North Carolina immigration office has composed the following application/entrance exam. A score of at least 70 percent is required before an immigrant is granted privileges to inhabit any section of North Carolina. An official North Carolina Immigration officer will assist you in filling out the application since several parts of the application require either verbal or physical investigation to ensure adequate entrance level readiness for residency in North Carolina.
APPLICATION FOR NORTH CAROLINA RESIDENCY
1. ____________________________________________
Last Name First Name Middle Name
2. ____________________________________________
Title ( Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms., Ole Lady, Ole Man, Bubba, Sis)
3. _____________________________________________
Street Address (If possible, a permanent house or trailer residence
preferred rather than automobile or bridge locale.)
4. ______-_________-_____________
Social Security Number
5. _______________________
Date of Birth (include month, day, and year if possible. If unknown, please
state when your mama was last knocked up)
6. ____________________
Marital Status (Hitched, Divorced, Separated, Single, Shacking up)
Note: For those of you not culturally enriched, Hitched is sometimes
referred to as married.
7. ___________
Number of teeth (do not include bridges or false teeth)
8. ____________
Number of tattoos
(For Immigration Officer's Use Only)
Visualization of teeth and tattoos required.
A positive 3:1 tattoo to teeth ratio is required
for temporary residency. A 4:1 ratio is required
for permanent residency.
9. _____________________
Education level (Kindergarten through 8th grade)
10. ____________________
Primary Language (English or Pig Latin only acceptable languages)
CULTURAL READINESS TESTING
1. Documented proof of properly drinking iced tea from mason jar at
suppertime.
2. Direct visualization of ability to pee 6 feet for men or 5 feet for
women.
3. Direct visualization of ability to spit tobacco juice a minimum of
15 feet regardless of gender.
4. Direct observation of proper method used to hail transportation.
(For men, thumb to side of shoulders with sign saying "Nashville
or bust. For women, thumb to side of hip with hem line of skirt
level with navel.)
5. Either direct visualization or documented proof of proper attire.
( For men, camouflage or flannel shirts required. For women, at
least two pairs of Jacquelyn Smith's Collection pants required.)
6. Direct visualization of acceptable transportation.
( Any of the following are acceptable: Ford or Chevy 4x4 pickup
trucks, Camaro, Trans-Am (preferably 1975-1984 model), Pinto
(gray primer preferable but will accept other colors). For those
with 4 or more DWI's, moped transportation is acceptable.
7. Direct observation of ability to recite all the words to Johnny Pay
check's song "Take This Job and Shove It" while installing a gun
rack and sexy mama mud flaps on a pickup truck. (Note: this skill
must be performed after the applicant has had a minimum of 3
beer and ate chili beans to ensure proper fart/belch/slur
etiquette.)
8. Confirmed documentation of support for Jesse Helms, NRA, and
"Keep them Unions outta NC" organizations.
Language acquisition testing
(To ensure the new immigrant's ability to properly communicate with native
North Carolinians, the applicant must demonstrate proper language
acquisition skills.)
Direct auscultation of proper language skills required:
Must fluently use at least 10 of the listed 15 phrases or sentences.
1. If'n I get the chance to live here, I'll do my best to promote firearm
safety by not shootin' anything that moves in the woods.
2. Ja'eat yet? Y'all need to come-n-et rite now afore it gits cold.
3. I usedtacould drink four Budweisers, fart, and sing Hank Williams all
at onced. Now I jest can do the first two.
4. Proper use of sensuous. Well, sens-u-wus up will you git me
another chaw of baccer and a beer?
5. Where'd ya git them boots? I need some of them for mud wrestlin’.
6. Come sit by me a spell and let's talk about hunting, fishing, or
something sophisticated like 'at.
7. Y'ant to (used instead of " Do you want to?"
8. Well I reckon s'alright. I didn't ask my ole lady if I could go to
to the drag strip.
9. You better put them eats up. Doncha know that mayonnaise,
pineapple, and slaw sammiches spoil in the sun?
10. I'm fixin' to go to Wal-Mart. Can I buy ya sumpin’ nice?
11. Hook the trailer up to the sewage disposal Mildred while I buy us
some more cracker and cheese packs for those rich yankees
comin' over.
12. Oh, I finished that chore awalago (used instead of "I finished that
job a while ago.)
13. Hey baby! Why don't me and you go to that pig callin' contest,
git a burger at the diner, and ride in my new truck. Hell, I know
it's our first date but I like you!
14. Officer, I swear I didn't steal those hubcaps. My ole lady needed
'em for servin' platters, so I borrowed 'em for a spell.
15. Git him George!! That damn raccoon's got our good china! If we
lose those TV dinner plates, we ain't gonna git none for a month
from our ole ladies!
____________________________________________________________
Immigration office use only
________________
(Score)
__________ Acceptable for residency
___________Unacceptable for residency
_______________________
Signature of Applicant
________________________
Date
_________________________
Immigration Officer's Signature