That's actually not a bad version at all. But I agree with nimrod, the original 'Don't Pass Me By' is the worst Beatles song ever recorded to my ears.
You might jes' like bluegrass, then. If'n you'd like to live here in the US, let's all see if'n you can pass this here North Carolina Residency Examination:
NORTH CAROLINA IMMIGRATION SERVICES
During the past few years, North Carolina has seen an incredible influx of immigrants from foreign lands, such as New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and California. Because of our continued practice of southern hospitality, we have allowed all immigrants to enter our state without first ensuring that the immigrant was culturally, spiritually, intellectually, and financially compatible with the other residents of North Carolina. As a result of substandard immigrants entering our state, the North Carolina immigration office has composed the following application/entrance exam. A score of at least 70 percent is required before an immigrant is granted privileges to inhabit any section of North Carolina. An official North Carolina Immigration officer will assist you in filling out the application since several parts of the application require either verbal or physical investigation to ensure adequate entrance level readiness for residency in North Carolina.
APPLICATION FOR NORTH CAROLINA RESIDENCY
Last Name First Name Middle Name
Title ( Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms., Ole Lady, Ole Man, Bubba, Sis)
Street Address (If possible, a permanent house or trailer residence
preferred rather than automobile or bridge locale.)
Social Security Number
Date of Birth (include month, day, and year if possible. If unknown, please
state when your mama was last knocked up)
Marital Status (Hitched, Divorced, Separated, Single, Shacking up)
Note: For those of you not culturally enriched, Hitched is sometimes
referred to as married.
Number of teeth (do not include bridges or false teeth)
Number of tattoos
(For Immigration Officer's Use Only)
Visualization of teeth and tattoos required.
A positive 3:1 tattoo to teeth ratio is required
for temporary residency. A 4:1 ratio is required
for permanent residency.
Education level (Kindergarten through 8th grade)
Primary Language (English or Pig Latin only acceptable languages)
CULTURAL READINESS TESTING
1. Documented proof of properly drinking iced tea from mason jar at
2. Direct visualization of ability to pee 6 feet for men or 5 feet for
3. Direct visualization of ability to spit tobacco juice a minimum of
15 feet regardless of gender.
4. Direct observation of proper method used to hail transportation.
(For men, thumb to side of shoulders with sign saying "Nashville
or bust. For women, thumb to side of hip with hem line of skirt
level with navel.)
5. Either direct visualization or documented proof of proper attire.
( For men, camouflage or flannel shirts required. For women, at
least two pairs of Jacquelyn Smith's Collection pants required.)
6. Direct visualization of acceptable transportation.
( Any of the following are acceptable: Ford or Chevy 4x4 pickup
trucks, Camaro, Trans-Am (preferably 1975-1984 model), Pinto
(gray primer preferable but will accept other colors). For those
with 4 or more DWI's, moped transportation is acceptable.
7. Direct observation of ability to recite all the words to Johnny Pay
check's song "Take This Job and Shove It" while installing a gun
rack and sexy mama mud flaps on a pickup truck. (Note: this skill
must be performed after the applicant has had a minimum of 3
beer and ate chili beans to ensure proper fart/belch/slur
8. Confirmed documentation of support for Jesse Helms, NRA, and
"Keep them Unions outta NC" organizations.
Language acquisition testing
(To ensure the new immigrant's ability to properly communicate with native
North Carolinians, the applicant must demonstrate proper language
Direct auscultation of proper language skills required:
Must fluently use at least 10 of the listed 15 phrases or sentences.
1. If'n I get the chance to live here, I'll do my best to promote firearm
safety by not shootin' anything that moves in the woods.
2. Ja'eat yet? Y'all need to come-n-et rite now afore it gits cold.
3. I usedtacould drink four Budweisers, fart, and sing Hank Williams all
at onced. Now I jest can do the first two.
4. Proper use of sensuous. Well, sens-u-wus up will you git me
another chaw of baccer and a beer?
5. Where'd ya git them boots? I need some of them for mud wrestlin’.
6. Come sit by me a spell and let's talk about hunting, fishing, or
something sophisticated like 'at.
7. Y'ant to (used instead of " Do you want to?"
8. Well I reckon s'alright. I didn't ask my ole lady if I could go to
to the drag strip.
9. You better put them eats up. Doncha know that mayonnaise,
pineapple, and slaw sammiches spoil in the sun?
10. I'm fixin' to go to Wal-Mart. Can I buy ya sumpin’ nice?
11. Hook the trailer up to the sewage disposal Mildred while I buy us
some more cracker and cheese packs for those rich yankees
12. Oh, I finished that chore awalago (used instead of "I finished that
job a while ago.)
13. Hey baby! Why don't me and you go to that pig callin' contest,
git a burger at the diner, and ride in my new truck. Hell, I know
it's our first date but I like you!
14. Officer, I swear I didn't steal those hubcaps. My ole lady needed
'em for servin' platters, so I borrowed 'em for a spell.
15. Git him George!! That damn raccoon's got our good china! If we
lose those TV dinner plates, we ain't gonna git none for a month
from our ole ladies!
Immigration office use only
__________ Acceptable for residency
___________Unacceptable for residency
Signature of Applicant
Immigration Officer's Signature