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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 5683 times)

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Sondra

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #60 on: July 29, 2005, 04:45:24 AM »

Quote from: Mairi
My friend told me this the other day while I was wearing my peace t-shirt. I didn't think it was funny, but I know Sandra will like it.

Q: What's orange and yellow and looks good on a hippie?

A: Fire.

LOL. I love it. Well, I wouldn't love it if somebody was threatening you with it!
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Paulsluv

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #61 on: July 29, 2005, 04:47:02 AM »

LOL! Good one Mairi!
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andersonCouncill

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #62 on: July 29, 2005, 04:47:04 AM »

I dunno. It was clever but the hippie philosophy is defiintley better than the Bush Administration philosophy.
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #63 on: August 01, 2005, 04:25:19 AM »

Quoted from comedian Ron White- "When life gives you lemons make lemonade .........Then go findesomeone who's life has given them vodka and have a party"........ :)
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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #64 on: August 02, 2005, 02:36:43 AM »

"When life gives you lemons, b!tch and whine about it until they give you chocolate." -Me
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joan was quizzical

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #65 on: August 02, 2005, 06:29:17 AM »

"When life gives you lemons.... throw them in the garbage and put some newspaper on top."

~ missy
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TurnMeOnDeadman

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #66 on: August 02, 2005, 02:48:55 PM »

whats worse than a black guy running away with your VCR?

his little brother running away with your TV
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Paulsluv

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #67 on: August 02, 2005, 07:12:11 PM »

From a card I got my sister and brother-in-law for their anniversay:

Marriage is like a toilet seat. It has its share of ups and downs.  ;D
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #68 on: August 02, 2005, 07:34:09 PM »

A man walks into his local nieghborhood bar and orders a beer. After about three more the bartender notices the man crying. He thinks this man can't possibly that drunk so soon, so he goes over and ask's the patron "What's the matter buddy, you ain't had that much to drink" The man say's tomorrow's my 25th wedding anniversary. The bartender say's "Congradulations the next one's on me". The man beggins to cry louder and harder and say's to the bartender "You don't understand, first degree murder carries a 25 year sentance". really confused the bartender say's "What in hell are you talikg about"? The man say's "If I had killed her 25 years ago instead of marrying her, Tomorrow I'd be a free man!".................... ;D
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #69 on: August 30, 2005, 12:53:09 PM »

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. Seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him? " She said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, " there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #70 on: August 30, 2005, 12:55:27 PM »

Three cowboys riding through the desert. Cowboy One asks Cowboy Two: "How much is one plus one?' "Two", Cowboy Two replies. Cowboy One gets his gun and shoots his college. "Why did you do that?", asks Cowboy Three. Cowboy One: "He knew too much."
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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #71 on: August 30, 2005, 01:43:13 PM »

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period."
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #72 on: November 02, 2005, 11:56:10 AM »

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.

(Pause.)

George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.

(Pause. Crumples paper)

George B. : - Condi, you're starting to p*ss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.
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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #73 on: November 03, 2005, 12:08:24 AM »

That's so funny! I'm going to bring it into Drama Club!
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #74 on: November 08, 2005, 11:47:39 AM »

Coincidence?

1981
1. Prins Charles married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The pope died

2005
1. Prins Charles married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The pope died

If Prince Charles is ever going to remarry and Liverpool is playing the European Cup-final, please can somebody warn the pope?
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raxo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #75 on: November 08, 2005, 02:19:41 PM »

^Very funny. Indeed. Listen Prins Charles: don't get married again!
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Taxgirl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #76 on: November 08, 2005, 09:28:09 PM »

Quote from: Bobber
Coincidence?

1981
1. Prins Charles married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The pope died

2005
1. Prins Charles married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The pope died

If Prince Charles is ever going to remarry and Liverpool is playing the European Cup-final, please can somebody warn the pope?


The Pope died in 1978!! Actually 2 popes died that year. But John Paul 2 was a pope from 1978-2005 for sure.
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #77 on: November 09, 2005, 09:52:32 AM »

Well, there was a dead pope for sure in 1981.  :)
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Taxgirl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #78 on: November 09, 2005, 11:25:10 AM »

Quote from: Bobber
Well, there was a dead pope for sure in 1981.
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Kevin

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #79 on: November 09, 2005, 11:37:43 AM »

Pope JP2 was shot in 1981, so close enough Bobber.
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don't follow leaders
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