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[Loco Mo]

Since this is the "Different Conversations Forum," I think it's safe for me to post my request for advice here.

Here's my situation:  I have some relatives who routinely invite me and another family member to events such as:  Easter Sunday, a few Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and an occasional get-together-for-no-reason event (usually around the 4th of July).

It's complicated but when my mother was alive, she relished going to all these affairs.  Since she didn't drive, she would always ask me to take her and then I was expected to attend the party as well.  Oftentimes we were there for hours (sometimes up to 6 or more).

The fact is I never liked going to any of these.  Why?  I just don't have anything in common with them other than family genes.  I don't have anything to talk about because we don't have shared interests.  All I can do is listen.  If they say I'm being quiet, then I have to try to invent something to say.  Usually, the chat that follows is just plain inane and stupid-sounding.

I didn't like going from the get-go but my mother guilt-tripped me routinely into going.  She would say things like "what are they gonna think if you don't take me?  They'll think I don't have a good son or whatever."  Also, she used to say this:  "They're gonna hate you if you don't come."  I always knew in the back of my mind that they were very angry whenever I didn't show up and take her there.  Please know that she got a ride even if I didn’t take her.

Today my mom is long gone (may she rest in peace).  But, I still get invited and  I still don't want to go.  I said “no” last Thanksgiving and my cousin became noticeably loud and upset on the phone when I told her I wasn't coming.  There was a recent incident, too, and she blew her stack.  I don't want to go into all the details here but there was a very nasty confrontation.  It was equivalent to basically forcing me to accept any and all of her future invitations.

I don't want another encounter with her.  I just don't ever want to go there or see her again.

What do I do?  I don't want to say "no" on the telephone.  I don't want to interact with her at all.  There's no need for a fight.  That's her who wants to fight about it.  I don't want to fight.  I just don't want to go there anymore.

If you think it's as simple as just not phoning and not going, it's not.  Again, I don't want to go into too much detail but she made several calls the last time I didn't show up with anger and a very threatening tone in her voice.  I don't want to go through with this again.

I don't know what makes me so important to her.  She wouldn't cry a single tear if I died.  And I mean prior to all this conflict, too.  I can't mean anything to them - so what's with this big piece of crap about having to go to all her parties?

By the way, usually these invitations are very close to the day of the event.  It's like I'd ask you if you wanted to go somewhere 2 days before.  Why wouldn't I have invited you a week or two earlier?  The implication is that I don't think you have anything better to do with your life other than be at my beck and call and at a moment's notice as well.

So, anyway, I hope I haven't offended anyone on the Beatles Forum by asking for non-Beatles related feedback.  If this isn't appropriate, I'll remove the post.

Thanks for any feedback.  Have a great day.

[tkitna]

Hey Loco, here's my advice or how I would handle it in accordance to my family.  First, if your cousin gets verbally abusive and outright annoyed because you decline an invitation, thats a red flag in my book.  I would be honest and just tell her you dont want to deal with her and she needs to chill.  If she cant, all the more reason not to go.  Caller id is good for such calls too.  After so many times of denying her invitation, they will eventually stop.  Thats just my advice but i'm the one in the family that calls a turd a turd and gets criticized for my honesty, so take it with a grain of salt. 

[KelMar]

I agree with Todd, Loco Mo. If it was just a matter of feeling like you had nothing in common with your relatives I’d advise you to accept at least one invitation a year because family is important. However, your cousin’s antics are unacceptable. I’d take one more call from her to firmly state that you are not attending because you don’t appreciate her the way she treats you. Give her specific examples and if she goes ballistic end the call. Then block her number. If there are other family members who behave civilly think about connecting with them one-on-one but don’t apologize for cutting the problem cousin off.

Good luck!

[zipp]

I think this situation arises when your parents are both deceased.

In my case I haven't spoken to my sister for two years because she was becoming too domineering of me and critical of people in my life. This happened around the time my mother died.

For your cousin I'd send an e-mail saying you want no more invitations from her so she's wasting her time. Maybe you can tell her she can send family news (that's up to you) but you've got other things to do than to be at her beck and call.

As tkitna said it's easy not to take calls from her and in the end she'll give up. If she threatens you in an e-mail then you have written proof if you need it for any reason.

[Loco Mo]

tkitna: 

First, if your cousin gets verbally abusive and outright annoyed because you decline an invitation, thats a red flag in my book.

I can't say she's verbally abusive.  Not that she's subtle, but she has an offensive way of talking to me "tonally" that conveys her anger clearly.  Calling a turd a turd is something I'm very hesitant to do because turds tend to want revenge if you call them out.

In My Life: 

If it was just a matter of feeling like you had nothing in common with your relatives I’d advise you to accept at least one invitation a year because family is important.

For years I've told myself to accept a few invitations just to keep the peace and to avoid conflict.  But I'm at a point now where I don't think I have any tolerance left.  This must be the cost of getting older.  I think you can put up with more when you're younger.  Not sure why this is so.

zipp: 

I think this situation arises when your parents are both deceased.

Wow - what an excellent statement and observation.  When my mom was alive, I had a reason to put up with this.  But now she's gone and that reason no longer exists.  You know how it's said that family ties are like blood being thicker than water?  I feel like the most important meaningful relationships in my life were non-family.  However, if you marry someone, then I guess that you makes you family, doesn't it?

Thanks for the feedback so far.  I feel kind of paranoid about posting this.  But I don't think any of them have it in them to visit a Beatles forum.  I think their view of the Beatles is of a band with a few nice songs, like "Yesterday," for example.  If anything, the only Beatles songs they'd like would be Paul's.  You have to be more of an advanced or deep person to favor John's stuff, IMHO!

[nimrod]

Do what I did Loco, emigrate to Australia...........no more family squabbles 

Seriously though if it were me Id take Todds advice.

[Normandie]

This is one reason I'm glad I live so far away from my family. I haven't had contact with my only sister for more than 4 years now because of stuff like this. I finally just blocked her (after she told me never to talk to her again).

I'm sorry you've had to go through this, LocoMo, and I agree with the others: Take Todd's advice.

Please accept my condolences on the anniversary of the passing of your mom. Those days are never easy.

[nimrod]

This is one reason I'm glad I live so far away from my family. I haven't had contact with my only sister for more than 4 years now because of stuff like this. I finally just blocked her (after she told me never to talk to her again).

Thats sad Kathy, families eh 

[Normandie]

Thats sad Kathy, families eh 

It is. I'm actually glad to be free of her, although that is sad, too. The stress just wasn't worth it.

[Normandie]

If they say I'm being quiet, then I have to try to invent something to say. 

I have to say, this struck me. I hate it when people tell me I'm being quiet. (I don't get this as much now that I am older.) My children have gotten this sort of comment as well. (All of us are introverts to one degree or another.) Some people are just reserved and, as you said, if you're not interested in the topic at hand, you shouldn't feel forced to contribute.

[Loco Mo]

nimrod: 

Do what I did Loco, emigrate to Australia...........no more family squabbles 

I would love to do this!!

Normandie: 

Please accept my condolences on the anniversary of the passing of your mom. Those days are never easy.

Thanks, Normandie.  It's almost 8 years now since she's gone.  I can't fathom her non-existence and I can't fathom an afterlife either.

Normandie (again): 

I have to say, this struck me. I hate it when people tell me I'm being quiet.

I've always felt like something was wrong with me because of people's comments.  Yet I know quiet people and I never say anything about it to them.  I can't imagine doing that.  How rude!  It's kind of like insulting their intelligence, too.  I know one person who doesn't speak much but when he does, it's usually worth listening to.

To All:  I'm still thinking of being assertive and being straight with her the next time.  Maybe I should ingest a shot of Jack Daniels first.  I don't drink much so one shot is probably all I'd need to conjure up some momentary false courage.  Actually, maybe a sniff of pot would make me assertive, too, but at the same time - mellow.  I mean how could anyone be angry at someone who seems kind of mellow while being assertive?

[nimrod]

How did it pan out Loco ?

Can we have an update, us agony aunts need to know 

[Normandie]

How did it pan out Loco ?

Can we have an update, us agony aunts need to know 

Thanks for bumping this thread, nimrod, and Loco, if you'd like to share, I'd like to hear how this is all going, too.

It's complicated but when my mother was alive, she relished going to all these affairs.  Since she didn't drive, she would always ask me to take her and then I was expected to attend the party as well.  Oftentimes we were there for hours (sometimes up to 6 or more).

Omigosh, if I had to spend 6 hours with my family I'd be a nervous wreck.    After a nightmare trip to Disney World with my dad and his wife (and my kids) back in 2010, I came straight home and poured myself a full water glass of chardonnay. It wasn't pretty.

[blmeanie]

most people have someone or someones in their life that you want to ignore/avoid.

I've always advised myself and others to "take the high road" in most situations.

Hope you worked it out, found relief from the threatening angry responses after a few years now.

[Loco Mo]

Nimrod, Normandie and blmeanie:  I will provide an update on my mom-forced family visits.  I can't write right now because this requires a thoughtful response, and I don't feel like thinking in a focused manner right now.  I think too much about too much much of my time.  I need mental time-outs.  I can't resolve most problems of my life (especially the historical ones).  I hate living with the frustration of so much unresolved unfinished business.  The funny thing is how the simplest and most untutored minds can waylay you so deeply, profoundly and everlastingly.