I just read a funny article in The Telegraph (I'm avoiding the U.S. news media these days) about Finnair's decision to weigh passengers. The author included a satirical list of suggested "fees" for the following infractions. This had me laughing out loud. Most of these I don't mind too much. No. 2, though, particularly irritates me. A couple of years ago when I flew to Florida I had the misfortune of getting in line behind a large family who clearly hadn't flown before. They all swarmed the TSA agent at once and, of course, didn't have their screening items ready for the conveyor belt. Grrrr. I had to remind myself that I was once a first-time flyer, too, although that was way before these days of heightened security.
But there is a better way: charge customers according to what they deserve to pay. Infuriating flyers chip in more, perfect passengers (like us) cough up less. We’re used to additional costs now for check-in bags, seat selection and olive-less in-flight dining – so why not a menu of other payable extras? Here is a little list of suggested additional fees I happen to have been working on in my head every single second I’ve been in an aeroplane for the last decade or two. Don’t forget to add yours…
1. People who fall asleep on night flights with their reading light on: £9
2. People who turn up at the X-ray machines and haven’t taken their liquids and laptop out of their bag yet despite having been in the queue for the last 17 minutes: £50
3. Parents with stroppy toddlers: £20
4. Toddlers with stroppy parents: £40
5. People faffing around trying to keep their stupid jackets from getting creased because they’re wearing stupid jackets because they stupidly thought they might get a stupid upgrade that way: loud tutting
6. People who clap when the plane lands: £5 for under-16s, £500 for adults. Fee waived if this is one of those trips where the door blows off mid-flight
7. People who keep their seat reclined even during mealtimes (where do you think you are, ancient Rome?): 1000 denarii
8. Viewers watching a film next to you while you’re trying to read a book: £1 every time you are unable to resist glancing at their screen (estimated total: £2,500)
9. Armrest-hogs: hanging and flogging
10. Young people watching videos on their mobile without headphones: 1 mobile
11. People who stand up as soon as the plane lands: £60
12. “Hiya! Would you mind swapping seats so me and my boyfriend [whom I obviously don’t actually like enough to spend the extra £25 to ensure we sit together] can sit together?”: £40
13. “No. I particularly like this seat [which is identical in every single way to every other single seat on the plane], so you’ll just have to sit apart.”: £40
14. Neighbour nodding off on your shoulder: £80 and an indulgent smile
15. Neighbour nodding off on your shoulder with occasional spasmodic jerks: £90 and a gentle nudge
16. Neighbour nodding off on your shoulder with occasional spasmodic jerks and dribbling: £110 and a firm elbow in the ribs
17. People in the rows in front of you who choose “the chicken” so there’s none left by the time crew get to you and you have to have “the vegetarian” (ie. floppy pasta in reconstituted cheese sauce): the cost of your KFC upon landing
18. People with small bladders who sit in the window seat: £5 per “excuse me” (and yes, if there are three seats that side of the aisle, that’s a “double excuse me” – £10)
19. People with no empathy for those with small bladders who get put in the window seat: £5 per sigh
20. People who take their socks off: £800,000. Per sock.
21. People in the class above you: £1 squajillion. Just because.
22. People still texting after the plane has started moving, despite the clear rules against doing so and the (admittedly small) safety implications: Death in some kind of freak air accident that leaves everyone else on the plane mysteriously unharmed. And £20.