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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 4954 times)

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An Apple Beatle

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: July 26, 2005, 12:00:20 PM »

Quote from: Zep_Fan

I'm sorry. :(

No worries, sorry I had to do the preaching act. ;)
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Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: July 26, 2005, 12:10:47 PM »

Think about this:
- do workers in a teafactory get a coffeebreak?
- why is a man talking dirty to a woman called a sexist? A woman talking dirty to a man gets paid!
- how do soldiers get involved in a civil war?
- what happened to the first six 'up's'?
- there's catfood with chicken, fish and beef. But why not with mouse?
- what does a butterfly feel when he's in love?
- if swimming is good for your arms and legs, why don't fish have arms and legs then?
- if a shop is open 24/7, why has it got a lock?
- the black box in an aeroplane is undestructable, even after a crash. Why isn't the whole plane made of this material then?
- who discovered how to milk a cow and what was he thinking he was doing when he started it?
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The End

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: July 26, 2005, 12:17:04 PM »

Tim Vine jokes - brilliant UK stand-up comedian! He would normally say all of these in under 2 minutes!!!

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.
I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'' 'Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant

Bobber

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: July 26, 2005, 12:27:02 PM »

Very funny!
Did you type this whole thing yourself? Let me guess: you got a secretary.
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: July 26, 2005, 03:23:27 PM »

Damn Al, My hands are crammping just read that....... :)
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #45 on: July 26, 2005, 03:40:16 PM »

My family is from the south so I get to hear a lot of southern jokes, but my favorite is Jeff Foxworthy and his "you might be a redneck" bits.
You might be a redneck if you have ever been too drunk to fish
You might be a redneck if your dates hair was damaged by a ceiling fan.
You might be a redneck if  you have went to a family reunion to meet girls.
You might be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because your both in the same grade.
And finally for the ladies.
You might be a redneck if you have ever worn a tube top to a wedding......... ;D
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Soft_Guitar60

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #46 on: July 26, 2005, 05:22:21 PM »

Why did the Beatles cross the road?


Nah, here's another one:
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #47 on: July 26, 2005, 06:42:59 PM »

Quote from: TurnMeOnDeadman
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?


Because he doesn't know he's black.
 
 

not funny, im black
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #48 on: July 26, 2005, 06:48:56 PM »

Quote from: An_Apple_Beatle

I'm not lying dude!!! My father died in a car crash...I really don't appreciate that man!

Also, someone has nicely explained why they don't like the baby jokes. Maybe until you are fathers yourselves, you won't get how much it may offend people...Best just to leave it, surely?..I think this thread was supposed to share a little happiness.

Imagine if your own family went through the loss of a baby. I'm not trying to be a killjoy or impose my opinions but theres a time and a place for certain humour. You get me drift?


sorry dude i had no idea, i wasnt trying to imply that dying is funny, i was implying the humor of an 'accidnet' of the person being born.
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #49 on: July 26, 2005, 07:17:11 PM »

Quote from: lennonlegend


sorry dude i had no idea, i wasnt trying to imply that dying is funny, i was implying the humor of an 'accidnet' of the person being born.

Yeah, but your "humor" appears to be at a members exspense and as you said "not funny". Nor is it what this thread is about.
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joan was quizzical

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #50 on: July 26, 2005, 07:21:06 PM »

Quote
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

This is HILARIOUS!!!! Must find more Tim Vine jokes... immediately!

~ missy
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #51 on: July 26, 2005, 08:46:47 PM »

Quote from: RICKENBACKER325

Yeah, but your "humor" appears to be at a members exspense and as you said "not funny". Nor is it what this thread is about.

well i wasnt TRING to joke at other peoples expense
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lyndal

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #52 on: July 27, 2005, 12:04:54 AM »

Hahaha.....a British Show ran here in Australia for a while called The Sketch Show. Tim Vine was one of the people on that, wasnt he? Man i loved that show.
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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #53 on: July 27, 2005, 04:10:37 AM »

This joke is pretty funny, I'm not trying to make fun of Americans, more so of Canadians actually, which I am.

Two Americans bump into each other:
"Hey, watch it!"
"No, you watch it!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
(they fight)

Two Canadians bump into each other:
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
"No, I'm sorry, that was my fault."
"Oh, no it was my fault."
"Let's just say it was both of our faults."
"So how about that Belinda Stronach, eh?"

Over here in Canada we are famous for the "Unnesscesary apology". (grin)
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Crazy Diamond

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #54 on: July 27, 2005, 06:55:38 AM »

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"
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RICKENBACKER325

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #55 on: July 28, 2005, 03:54:21 PM »

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is standing at the pearly gates chatting with St. Peter When she hears a awful bloodcurddling scream. She say's to St. Peter "what was that!" "Oh don't worry that was someone getting their holes drilled in the shoulders for their wings" was St. Peters reply.
Still chatting, About ten mintues later the old lady again hears the most awful gut wrenching screams and "Oh my God, now what was that!" St. Peter say's "Don't worry. That was the same person having a hole drilled in their head for their halo"
The old lady thinks for a moment and say's to St. Peter "I'm going to hell"
St. Peter tells her "You can't, you'll be raped and sodomized by demons forever"
Turning to leave the old say's "Yeah, well I already got holes for that!"............ :D
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joan was quizzical

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #56 on: July 28, 2005, 10:54:22 PM »

Quote from: Mairi
Over here in Canada we are famous for the "Unnesscesary apology". (grin)

It's soooo true. I'm the worst for it. I say "sorry" fifty times a day at work, it's lost all meaning.

Who's Belinda Stronach??

~ missy

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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #57 on: July 28, 2005, 11:04:27 PM »

You know, the woman who defected from Conservative to Liberal? She "banged up" Peter McKay's heart, apparently.
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Mairi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #58 on: July 29, 2005, 02:38:11 AM »

My friend told me this the other day while I was wearing my peace t-shirt. I didn't think it was funny, but I know Sandra will like it.

Q: What's orange and yellow and looks good on a hippie?

A: Fire.
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TurnMeOnDeadman

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #59 on: July 29, 2005, 03:46:33 AM »

haha, same thing can go for the monks
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